GAYETY!

GAYETY! Friday night!

2007-11-26T23:12:08Z

Gayety! A Queer Comedy Cabaret! Casual, fun, hysterical. Good first date material.

Friday November 30 at 8:30 PM—Only 8 bucks admission!
LGBT Community Center 208 W 13th Street New York NY 10011 (between 7th and 8th Ave)

With special guests…
Cassendre Xavier (award winning author of Black/Out)

Jhon Valdes (Bearapalooza)

And the Gayety Players…

Glenn Marla (“Fearless and liberated” –Time Out)

Your host Glitter Queen Bevin Branlandingham
Kelli Dunham (Showtime’s Penn & Teller Bullshit)

Petunia the Trivia Goddess with fabulous prizes provided by Riot Grrrl Ink! (http://www.riotgrrrlink.com/)
Honestly--these are the best trivia and raffle prizes we've ever had.

Stand-up/Spoken Word/Humorous Mayhem
Questions? gayetynyc@gmail.com or 646.224.8622
http://gayetyblog.livejournal.com

Last Gayety....

2007-10-31T02:09:36Z

GAYETY!!!!!!

If you're weren't at Gayety you missed...

...awesome queer trivia with some of our best prizes yet (mostly because people kept me away from prize seeking duties)
...a pregnant evangelical playing a small musical instrument that resembles a guitar, but is smaller.
...my story about a night-time adventure on the ptown beaches that would have resulted in arrest, were it not for a quick thinking middle child friend (not to worry, I didn't use any names, although feel free to out yourself here)

The crowd was amazing. The place was packed, standing rooming only, and even though it was ridiculously hot, almost everyone stayed to the end.

Thanks everyone who came out to support us!

Bevin, of course, was the hilarious engaged Glitter Queen at her very best. Bevin should probably emcee every queer thing that happens in the English speaking world (well okay as long as I get to perform at all those events too). Leigh was his usual fabulous and charismatic self, Betty Pages made at least one person fall off their chair laughing AND got the whole crowd involved in her singalong. And Joel Derfner made all the boys swoon and everyone (boys, girls, other) laugh. It was a lovely night. I performed too, I did some of my older material and some that was brand -just-written on the subway new!

We've gotten nice email about the event including at least person who got a date out of the evening. What was it that Sarah Schulman said? "If you're not finding someone a girlfriend you're not working for the revolution?"*

It makes me SO happy how people react to Gayety, even in New York where there tons and tons and tons of other things to do.

The Center folks taped the whole thing, so there should be video available soon.

*Okay, I am sure she did NOT say it exactly that way, and google shows up nothing. I use that quote all the time, I should check that it's not just a qu-urban legend. Any thoughts?

From Kelli: Mic me!

2007-10-31T02:07:26Z

Next week I'm headed down to Florida for a few a gigs, so I thought I'd dig out something I wrote about my last trip to Florida, a journey where I learned that my mother's hairdresser has pierced nipples AND how to handle an especially unruly crowd.

Mic Me

At a recent road gig in a certain Florida city, I was booked for a show that was slated to begin at 10:30 PM, but didn’t get started until almost 11:55. Perhaps I should have taken this as omen: 11:55 is waaaaay past my bedtime.

Additionally, the audience members were substantially inebriated, and although each of them had paid a significant cover, ostensibly to see me perform, they were much more interested in playing bar games. You know, the old stand-bys like, “Let’s See Who Can Talk The Loudest” and “Let’s See Who Can Get Intoxicated and Fall Off Their Chair First” and my personal favorite “Let’s See Who Can Spew Drunken Vomit Closest to the Stage.”

Such a situation is not completely unheard of in the stand-up world, and is often easily overcome with sheer volume because as the performer, you have access to a microphone. This microphone is attached to a sound system which enables you to draw attention to yourself and then use your abundant wit and humor to distract the audience from said games. You can then provide the show you are being paid (either in cash or, as is more common in the dyke comic world, in pussy and lube) to provide.

All this presupposes something very important. That the microphone works.

Alas, despite the fact that having a working microphone is a. written into my contract b. something I specifically mention in preliminary emails with the venue c. the first thing I check out when I arrive in the venue and d. something I will exchange copious sexual favorites in order to secure, the mic that night worked roughly, um, half the time.

I asked the venue to try to fix the system, but they couldn’t and my request for a back-up mic was met with an extremely blank stare. This means I never had control of the audience, no matter what I did. I went dirty. Then I went filthy. I sat on the stage. I laid down on the stage. I did push-ups on the stage. I walked out into the crowd, sat on a stranger’s laps, and feigned masturbation. I feigned masturbation on the stage. I considered actually masturbating on the stage, with the hopes of making a very difficult hour pass faster.

At one point during the show, I sat down next to a audience member, asked to borrow her lit cigarette, inhaled and promptly fell into paroxysms of coughing. The audience took this to be a cleverly executed bit of slapstick humor. However, because previous to that moment I had never so much as taken a drag from a cigarette, the coughing fit was actually quite real.

It got the biggest laugh of the night.

I was in the dressing room after my 60 minutes of public hell and one of the openers, a local drag performer, popped her head in.

“That was a rough one,” she said, “You know what you should have done?”

I waited expectantly. Drag queens perform in bars. A lot. Often under fairly adverse conditions like wearing hot clothes and itchy wigs and dangerously high heels. If anyone knows how to make a gig work in a tough venue, it’s going to be local drag performer.

“You should have,” she leaned in so close I could see the glitter on her eyelids, and patted me almost maternally on the shoulder, “had a damn mic that worked.”

And then she kissed my cheek and walked away, laughing heartily at her own joke.

Now my sister did have a good point, albeit an obvious one. It’s a situation where being a bit more of a diva (“bitch, you better get me a mic that works or I’m not saying another word”) instead of a good natured, slightly codependent dyke comic (“Oh, it’s fine, I’ll just, um…improvise…”) would have definitely come in handy.

Perhaps that could be my new rallying cry.

I’ll be the Nancy Reagan of the comedy world.

Instead of “just say no” my slogan will the simple but direct “just get a mic.”

Call the Doggie Appraiser--The Exciting Conclusion!

2007-09-18T21:54:41Z

By Bevin Branlandingham

I received the following responses to my correspondence with Craig (you must begin here and then follow up here to understand what is happening).

First, he must have googled me in order to give me this response (then he would know I am an organizer of Jersey City Pride). Unless he assumed "Bevin" is a boy's name and I referred to my "boyfriend".

Bevin,

Stop wasting my time and save the drama for pride coming up. If I thought you were worth it, I spend 20 minutes writing 10 paragraphs but in this case your worth 2 sentences.

Craig

I did not respond to this email because he wasn't playing the game anymore so I was over it.

UNTIL I GOT THIS:

TO: BEVIN

FROM: CRAIG

RE: Beautiful Bailey $700 4lbs full grown

here is your pic---your going to miss out

Dear Craig:

Bailey is totally cute! She sort of looks like an alien, which is awesome, as one of my cats looks like an alien and I find that endearing. I was hoping she would be more speckled but what can you ask for.

Does she have tear stains? I note some discoloration under her eyes. Eradicating tear stains is expensive and I wonder if the poland spring is causing that as sometimes the PH balance in the water they drink causes tear stains. Do you think the tear staining raises her value in that you probably had to put more money into her to reduce them or do you think it lowers her value because it's going to be a lifetime of that diamond eye stuff that sort of works but not totally?

I notice her value has gone up to $700. Craig, I still cannot afford the eariler lower asking price of $500. However, I do still wish to be your backup on the off chance that you are unable to recover all the money you have invested in your 4lb. miracle pooch. What with the bottled water and vet care and stuff.

I therefore want you to remember that my top offer of $25 (sorry I had to lower it again, but I got a mani-pedi on Saturday) is still floating out there. As are my assurances that if I get to adopt your dog, I will continue to feed her top quality dog food and bottled water. And you can know that it's in my interest to follow through on this top qualilty dog food promise as I will have to pick up every single one of her poops and it has been my experience that you have the best chance of avoiding yucky poops with top quality dog food.

Keeping my fingers crossed,
Bevin

XOXxoXoxOOx

And then I got three responses to my email! Which further propogates the theory (I forget who initially came up with that in the comments) that there are 2 people answering that email address...

Response 1:
tear stains can be the cause of many things such as the dog being really excited as he usually is. or it can be he is allergic to a shirt I may have or the blankets on my bed or even my carpet-you really can't tell. He has had them since he was baby and at that time he was NOT drinking spring water. This does not bring the value down on the puppy. The tear stains do not look as bad in person. It does not cost much to get rid of the stains but they really do not bother me--I love him either way--and its not affecting him in any way either. A bottle of diamond eye costs $8 so its not that serious. Anyway, I apologize but I cannot place bailey with you. If this is some kind of joke and your enjoying these emails your sick! this will be the last time I reply to you.

Craig

Response 2:
Bevin,

Actually, I'm not giving him away anymore. I have decided to place him with a family member. Good luck with your search.

Craig

Response 3:
Bevin,

I'm sure if you go online and do some research you can find chihuahua breeders who can sell you a chihuahua for $300 to $400 tops but the puppy will not be akc registered which is the best registry and he/she probably wont be as nice.

Anyway, I'd be willing to help you out if you'd like. In my case, I cannot let someone ADOPT Bailey for $100 or less just because of what I have put into him. Just because shelters charge $100 doesn't mean I have to. Like I said chihuahua rescue leagues charge up to $400 for there chihuahuas--even the ones that are 4-5yrs old...Bailey is only 8 months!! he is still a baby.

I'm am happy that I have found a family member take him in. I was never trying to make a sale but rather just make up a LITTLE for a BIG loss.

let me know if I can help u out.

Craig

In Conclusion...

Now, I make the argument that you can't call a pet a "big loss". Just because I paid $115 for Macy to get her eye looked at the other day, doesn't mean I am seeing a "big loss" from her in my life if she goes away tomorrow. If she goes away tomorrow I will be heartbroken and the $115 would be the last thing I would think about.

And, just to let everyone know, we ended up adopting Rusty (a chihuahua doxie mix) from the awesome Waggy Tail rescue in NYC and they only required we get him neutered and didn't ever once mention pure spring water.

West Coast, East Coast, as evidenced by bathroom signs

2007-08-27T17:28:03Z

Sign in the bathroom of Cotton Cloud Futons, Portland Oregon.

Sign in the bathroom of the Rapture Cafe in New York.

There is really no wonder why I didn't fit in so well in Portland.

So a butch dyke walks into a haircutting place and....

2007-07-30T00:03:45Z

From Kelli:

I went back to my super-cheap Chelsea haircutting place, but this time I I was paired with a dude, and we were having a little language problem. As in we didn't seem to share one in common. I felt reluctant to communicate my hair desires with only gestures.

But then I remembered how fellow Gayety organizer, Bevin Brandlingham, observed that my last haircut "looked a lot like fleet week."

So I said "fleet week?"

And the guy buzzed away.

And I looked upon my haircut and I was happy.

And decided that from this day forth I shall call this particular haircut "Fleet Week."

The end.

Is that it all it takes?

2007-07-21T15:45:21Z

Look, they sell 'em, at Target!

Two Sunday Sniglets* by Bevin

2007-07-15T19:53:39Z

by Bevin Branlandingham

Today I present to you two sniglets!

The first is "Lesbian Card": This is an official document to prove someone's membership in the Pink Mafia. Lesbian cards are issued upon at least two overt acts of lesbianosity. For example, a lesbian card would be issued to someone in the following instances:

-Purchase of a pride ring necklace and becoming vegetarian to fit in with the other dykes.

-Obtained a men's haircut and wore birkenstocks with a flannel shirt.

-Got a pet, sent a birth announcement (even if it is adopted), refer to it as their "kid" and dresses it in something with a rainbow on it.

-Meet a partner, become a couple and move in with a partner after less than one month of dating. Moving in counts if both parties are sleeping together 6 nights per week and one partner has left personal hygeine effects at the other's home.

There is no official agency that issues lesbian cards--as with most things in the dyke community, issuance is decided by consensus.

My second sniglet is related to the foregoing. It is "Revocation of Lesbian Card": This is an act performed by a person previously issued a Lesbian Card that is so offensive to traditional notions of lesbianosity that there is no other alternative but to revoke their privleges in the Pink Mafia. One would have a Lesbian Card revoked in the instance:

-One stands up someone for an Indigo Girls concert on such short notice that no replacement concert-goer can be found (that happened to me and I told her that her Lesbian Card was revoked).

-One wears real fur to a GLBT fund raising event at a zoo.

*Just so everyone is clear, a sniglet is a word that doesn't exist that should.

From Kelli: On Being Obsessed with a Specific Diet Soda

2007-07-11T16:14:19Z

As much as this makes me seem like I must have been adopted, I don't have much propensity for the kind of substance abuse that causes one to end up naked in gutter in a pile of one's own vomit ( as opposed to waking up naked in someone else's vomit, which would be perhaps even more unpleasant). In fact, I have never been drunk enough to have a hangover, despite the fact that in my family we were given our first drink at age four. And by drink I don't mean a sip of a beer. I mean an actual drink, with ice and a little bit of water and the liquor of our choice, in my case, lime flavored vodka.

Although most flavored vodkas these days are clear, in the 1970s colors were important. Which means it is entirely possible that my love of the lime colored Diet Mountain Dew developed from those (fuzzy of course) childhood memories of enjoying a cocktail with my dad after school.

My love of Diet Mountain Dew is somewhat infamous amoungst my friends. For example, out of the blue, the incredible fattest mailed me a vintage mountain dew tee shirt, which was the inspiration for this week's

Diet Mountain Dew consumption yields a personality that is tough, yet nevertheless vulnerable.

Diet Mountain Dew is the fount of my butchality.

Diet Mountain Dew helps me wake up, and also relaxes me at bedtime

Diet Mountain Dew makes me want to skateboard indoors.

Diet Mountain Dew makes me blush. And wear pink pajamas. Both at the same time.

Make no mistake: I LOVE Diet Mountain Dew

Call the Doggie Appraiser Part II

2007-07-03T18:59:13Z

By Bevin Branlandingham (with help in crafting response from my partner in crime Librarian Brian)

I got a response from Craig (if you haven't read the first part, go to my previous entry).

Bevin,

Not to be rude but thats [sic] pretty hilarious. NO WAY would I give my baby away for $75. In this case I need to make the suggestion that you DO NOT get another dog as you can clearly not afford one. You shouldn't give out info like you joined Netflix so you have to lower it to $75. It's sad and funny at the same time. For you to even have the nerve to tell me that is sad. I'm sorry but you can't be a "back up" for my puppy. Good Luck.

Craig

Dear Craig,

I am not trying to be rude, either, but I feel the need to explain a few things. Your last email gave the impression that you see me as some sort of irresponsible spendthrift and unfit mother. This is not the case.

I am an accountable pet owner with a firm grasp on fiscal responsibility and a JD and student loans to prove how much money I can count up to and how important it is to budget for things like retirement, Netflix, Poland spring water and visits to the vet. I recently adopted a red persian that looks like an alien and a Himalayan that sheds like a mattress from a woman on pet finder. She asked for an adoption fee to be donated to a local shelter in order to prove that the person adopting her cats was responsible and not some fly by night hussy with no concept of responsibility. Petfinder was grateful to receive my $100 donation. I now keep in regular contact with her, as she misses her cats (she had to give them up due to her daughter's allergies).

I understood that when I took on those two extra mouths to feed there was a certain budget to be taken into account. And I am glad that I did because those cats eat more than barnyard animals and I had to go through three litterboxes before Bear (the Himalayan) saw fit to poop in one instead of on newspapers outside the box. As you may or may not know, Craig, litterboxes cost as much as $100 a piece.

Now, unlike you, Craig, I see the $800 I have put into owning ALF and Bear these last few months as simply part of my "budget" for pet ownership. I do not feel that I could claim ALF and Bear worth $800, were I to sadly have to give up my animals because I moved to a condominium unit with complicated animal by-laws, limiting residents to one dog, cat, fish or bird for companion use and specifically prohibiting breeding activity. Animals are not hedge funds or IRA accounts or houses. Their value does not appreciate. Much like cars, you must budget certain items to maintain them in a valuable (or healthy) state but you cannot expect that they will grow in value. Over time the value of a Toyota Prius drops even if you keep it waxed and in new tires and the value of a chihuahua drops despite all of the Poland spring you let it drink.

As you are well aware, top quality dog food, like the top quality food I feed Macy, is also top price. I'm sure you get that even when you're only buying enough top quality dog food to feed a dog that eats as little as a chihuaua. It can be a real expense. And if that means I'm ill-equipped in your view to be the back up for you puppy, then I will have to live with that shame.

And, really, it's all just as well. I mean, I'm not even certain you're really trying to sell me a $500--marked down from the $2500 you've invested in vaccinations and toenail clippings and whatnot--real live animal at all. I mean, you've not even provided a picture. And with all that discussion of how much the animal means to you and how much you spend on it and how loved it is I was beginning to feel like this was all just some scam to get me to sell my car so I could give you the last $500 I have in the world only to receive in exchange some kind of stuffed, Taco Bell Christmas tree ornament.

Anyway, if you're really selling an extremely valuable dog then I wish you well finding a buyer and perhaps even another backup buyer for a crazy low price. But if, as I suspect, you are just a flim flam man trying to defraud me and then vanish into the ether, I hope you rot in a jail cell for the rest of your natural life, which I would not see taken from you by the state because I don't believe in the death penalty, but which I would not be sad to learn was taken from you by a shank in the back while you showered.

My boyfriend tells me that Date Movie has just arrived from Netflix and I just want to cuddle on the sofa with my boyfriend and Macy and not think about the stinging blow you've dealt by refusing me back-up status.

Very Truly Yours,

Bevin

P.S. I am going to have to drop my back-up price to $45. My boyfriend just let me know that we are going to join a pool this summer!

There is one more installment! Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion!!!

From Kelli:

2007-06-20T15:33:41Z

So I was doing a training called "LGBT 101: What's So Funny About Diversity" at Biggole Corporation Inc.

I had passed out cards earlier for folks to write down any questions they had for me.

I was in the middle of explaining the intersection (or lack thereof) of sexual orientation and gender identity, when maurakelly who was helping me with the training, passed me this card.

Oops, I was covering LGBT 101, but obviously a remedial class was what was needed!

CALL THE DOGGIE APPRAISER, PART ONE

2007-06-15T19:27:07Z

By Bevin Branlandingham

Last June, my fiance, Dan, and I discussed acquisition of a new dog. I already owned Macy, the greatest Shih Tzu in the known universe. She is friendly and charming and truly a delight to live with. However, Shih Tzus are undeniably girly dogs and Dan, born and bred in Iowa, has always wanted a hunting dog like a blood hound or a German Shepard or something. The best compromise we could come up with since we were living in a one bedroom apartment in Jersey City was to get a chihuahua that looked like a big dog. Like the dog went through a shrinking gun as in the classic movie, Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

To indulge our chihuahua potential, I was cruising Craig's List looking for dog stuff (crates or whatever) if maybe one day we actually decided to get Dan's mini dog and I might want to get him dog stuff for his upcoming birthday.

But then I found this crazy over the top ad on Craig's List and had to reply.

CHIHUAHUA PUPPY-NEEDS GREAT LOVING HOME WITH NO DOGS OR ONLY SMALL DOG
Date: 2006-06-20, 2:06PM EDT

8 MONTH OLD CHIHUAHUA BOY. I'VE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING SOMEONE WHO I FEEL WILL TRULY TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM. HE IS VERY HEALTHY AND UP TO DATE ON ALL SHOTS. HE ONLY EATS THE BEST FOOD AND IS MUCH LOVED. HE IS VERY SWEET AND VERY KISSY. HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL DARK FAWN COAT THATS [sic] VERY THICK.

A FEW THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW:

LONG HAIRED CHI'S DO NOT SHED.

HE WILL NOT BE A GOOD PET FOR KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF 12YRS OLD AS THEY TEND TO TEASE AND ABUSE SMALL DOGS THINKING THEY ARE TOYS.

HE WILL NOT BE A GOOD BIRTHDAY PRESENT AS HE WILL NEED ATLEAST 2 WEEKS TO ADJUST TO HIS NEW HOME. HE WILL NEED LOTS OF LOVE AND ATTENTION AS WELL LOTS OF QUIET TIME. SO NO PARTIES! ITS NO "SURPRISE" FOR THE PUPPY. YOU WILL MAKE HIM SICK AND HE WILL NOT ADJUST PROPERLY.

IF YOU LIVE IN AN AREA WHERE THEY ARE HAWKS OR OTHER LARGE BIRDS AND YOU LET HIM WONDER [sic] IN THE YARD WITHOUT SUPERVISION-ITS [sic] POSSIBLE A BIRD COULD PICK HIM UP/ATTACK HIM AND REALLY HURT HIM. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WATCH A DOG HIS SIZE-HE MAY GET INTO PLACES AND GET STUCK AND YOU MAY NOT FIND HIM AGAIN!

HE WILL NEED TO BE LEFT WITH FRESH FOOD AND WATER EVERYDAY. ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE THE DOG TAP WATER. HE IS USED TO DRINKING SPRING WATER-WETHER [sic] IT BE POLAND SPRING OR STORE BRAND THATS FINE. BRITA FILTER MY ASS-PLEASE GIVE THE DOG SPRING WATER OR BOIL IT FIRST AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE.

HE WILL NEED TO STAY WARM IN THE WINTER-CHIHUAHUA'S LOVE TO SUN BATHE-BUT NOT TOO MUCH AS HE CAN OVER HEAT REAL FAST-HE IS TINY!!!

THIS BOY IS PAD TRAINED!! FULLY!!! SO NO NEED TO WALK HIM UNLESS ITS FOR FRESH AIR/EXERCISE.

GUESS WHAT? YOU CAN'T TEACH THIS LITTLE BOY TO NOT GO ON THE PAD! HE IS TOO OLD AND TOO SMALL TO HOLD HIS PEE WHILE YOUR [sic] OUT THE HOUSE FOR 8-10HRS. HE WILL END UP MAKING A MISTAKE ON YOUR SNEAKERS/SHOES/BRAND NEW CARPET AND IT WILL NOT BE HIS FAULT. YOU WILL HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME AND IT WOULD BE WRONG TO POINT YOUR FINGER AT HIM OR RAISE YOUR VOICE.

HE IS AKC REGISTERED.

I'M ASKING FOR AN ADOPTION FEE.

CONTACT RUNNER ---AT HOT MAIL DOT COM IF YOUR SERIOUSLY INTERESTED. I'M LOOKING TO MEET PEOPLE THIS WEEK AND EARLY NEXT WEEK. HE IS READY TO GO TO HIS NEW HOME NOW. HE MUST GO ASAP AS I AM MOVING TO A COMPLEX THAT WILL NOT ALLOW DOGS.

Dear Runner --- At Hotmail Dot Com:

I read your ad on Craig's List. I'm giving you a little background to show my past relationships to chihuahuas and why my home is the perfect environment for a chihuahua. I am a 27 year old attorney with an almost 2 year old shih tzu. When I adopted her I was living with an ex who had a chihuahua (4.5 pounds, short hair, very wonderful) and we got her as a companion for Leroy. Well, my ex and I parted ways and my dog is lonely. My new partner has always wanted a chihuahua and is looking to adopt one soon. Clearly I have experience caring for a chihuahua and my shih tzu, Macy, is 12 pounds, loves other dogs and is also piddle pad trained, and she would make an excellent sibling for your dog.

Attached please find photos of Leroy, my ex step dog, wearing a dinosaur sweater I knitted for him myself.

Additionally, attached please find a photo of Macy wearing the chicken sweater I knitted her of my own design.

Depending on where you are located, my partner and I can come visit your dog later this week or this weekend.

My questions for you:

1. Do you have photos?

2. What are you asking for an "adoption fee" and can this be donated to a shelter or is this a fee coming to you?

3. Where did you get your dog from? A breeder directly or a pet store and can you provide their names and locations (you can screen breeders and pet stores on the internet to weed out weird puppy mills).

Sincerely,

Bevin
Jersey City, NJ

I copied my BFF Brian on my letter and his response to me was: "Bevin, you collect pets like I collect PS2 games and yarn."

Hello,

Thanks for your interest. I'm located in west new york so meeting should not be a problem. I got this puppy from a breeder. I have a total of 3 chihuahuas-all from the same breeder. I'm moving and the complex is not allowing 3 dogs. he was the last of the 3 that I got so unfortunatley I have to let him go. He has only been with me for 4 months as the other 2 have been with me for over a year.

The adoption fee for this puppy is $500. I paid $800 for him. He eats top quality dog food and is up to date on all shots. This money will go to me. I got him expecting to keep for as long as he would be around and now that he must go I'm very sad but at the same time would like to in some way make up for the financials. I have no pics available at this time. There is a dog park on blvd east and 64th in west new york if you ever have time we can plan to meet.

her name is Eileen russo in central nj.

I can give you a call tonight around 8pm is that is ok with you. please let me know if your interested thanks.

Craig

Craig, I think that $500 is more than we are looking to spend. We wanted to adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue it somehow. So, if you end up without a "taker" and are interested in a low fee, like $100 we might be able to swing it at this point, but $500 is too much at this time, as we want to also have the means to care for the dog, take it to the vet, etc...

Please keep us in mind if you do not find an appropriate home.

Bevin

I received two responses from Craig to the last email. Here's the first one:

Bevin,

I totally understand and I will keep you in mind. Please understand that with a dog this size (4lbs) more money is always needed on a dog this size than a dog that is 30pds++. The dog is very very healthy. He eats top quality Nutro hard and wet food and is given Poland Spring water every day. (whoever takes him will recieve all vet paper work) He already has his rabies shot as well which was $80. I have put thousands of dollars into this puppy--dogs just don't turn out the way he does naturally. Much love has been given to him and much time has been spent on him. He has been taught to walk on a leash(which can be difficult with a dog his size believe it or not) and he has been socialized with people and other dogs including the sounds of cars, trucks, and anything else that would scare a dog his size. He is ready for the world. It's almost impossible to find a puppy like him in a shelter. I wish I had a picture to send you. He really is a beautiful dog-and definetly a dog you will (I'm 99% sure) you will not find in a shelter. But I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my contacts

Craig

The second response:

Bevin,

The dog has been properly taken care of. Has every shot including rabies (which costed [sic] me $60) He will come with all paperwork. I will also give you 2 weeks worth of food, vitamins, some pads even his leash. I spent more then $500 from the start and have put over $1500 into him...just want you to understand why he is $500. For me to sell him for $100 would be insane. He needs a home really bad but at the same time I'd rather sneek [sic] him into my new apt then sell him for a crazy price.

Craig

Dear Craig:

I know it seems totally crazy to offer $100 to you. But to me it is what I can afford, do you know what I mean?

And I know I already asked to be your Official Back Up Offer or whatever, for $100 since that is what I can afford. But the thing is I need to revise my Back Up Offer to $75. We've recently joined Netflix, so our disposable income has decreased by $25. It would be crazy to go into debt to adopt your dog. I just wanted you to understand why we're lowering our final offer. To offer you any more I'd have to have been taking crazy pills. I just wanted you to understand.

So I hope you still keep me in mind, we live in Jersey City and it's not far to where you are if you ever want to meet up and see some of my knitting in person or if the sneaking around gets too crazy.

Thanks and good luck Craig,

Bevin

I will post the next entry in our saga during my next Gayety Blog dispatch.

From Kelli: It Happened!

2007-06-15T10:06:33Z

It finally happened.

My hair is too short.

I went to a place in Chelsea, said "use the number one clipper and the lady didn't argue with me.

That never happens.

Now my hair is too short.

On the upside, I got cruised by two guys on the 50 yard walk from the hair place to the subway.

So popular in Chelsea, yes, apparently.

But I dunno about Inwood.

Doooooooooooorrrrrrrk!

2007-06-10T13:01:24Z

Yesterday my nephew asked me to define "dork." I thought about it for a second and said "a person who likes people a lot, but likes books better." He looked around at me, my sister, and my niece, all of whom had chosen to sit around a book store cafe on a Friday night. Surrounded by books.

He let out a long sigh. "We are a bunch of a dorks," he said, after a moment, and then turned to his mom and said "Thanks for the dork genes, mom."

Since I almost had a minor heart attack when I got my New York Public Library Card, I can hardly claim that my genes are dork free. And don't let anyone tell ya queers can't be dorks. Did you ever go to Out Write when it was happening?

Anyway, I dug out something I wrote

The Bookstore is Only 12 Steps Away

I have a confession to make.

I have a teensy weensie bit of a book problem.

Would you believe a moderate to severe book problem?

Okay, okay I admit that I am powerless over books, and that my life has become unmanageable.

I (naturally) blame this on my parents since in order to watch teevee at our house we had to spend the equivalent amount of time reading a non-fiction book, prepare an oral report about the book and present it at the dinner table. And yes, I’ve already discussed this with my therapist thank you very much.

But at any rate, now, I read everything that isn’t tied down. And, sometimes (like last Saturday night) a few things that actually are tied down.

Man what a bizarre party that was.

I’ve gone through ‘dry drunk’ periods. When I was in the convent we weren’t allowed to read anything but the Bible and the occasional spiritual book. As fascinating (and also gruesome) as some of the stuff in the Bible is, it was no match for, well, the Sunday New York Times (oooh!) or the latest edition of the Utne Reader (ahhhh!) or a zine entitled “Locations of the Organ Revolution” that a slightly emaciated (and therefore I deduce, probably vegan) kid in West Philly sells to me for $3.75. Hence the not really being a nun anymore thing.

But books are simple. You open them. You close them. They don’t get snippy, even (surprisingly) if you judge them by their cover. Books never say things like “it’s not that I want to break up with you, it’s just that I am assessing my need for decreased energy exchange in order to maximize personal growth,” or refer to spending time with you as a “substantial emotional experience, although not without energetic ramifications” or bring flow charts and venn diagrams to a break-up discussion (I tend to fall in love with vulcans).

No matter who I am partnered with, books tend to be my primary relationship. In fact, if a woman comes back to my place and eagerly rummages through my shelves… I consider this a three-way.

So, when planning for my upcoming trip to Lourdes (yes, Lourdes, the Catholic super shrine, <link to last week’s column>) I, of course, had to peruse every guidebook known to human kind. I started with a visit to my local mega super hugo bookstore, where there were exactly 1,217 such books. Let’s Go France. Let’s Blow France. The Rough Guide to France. The Tough Guide to France. Irreverent Paris. Irrevocable Paris. Irrresponsible Paris. Europe on a Shoestring. Europe on a G String (the sex workers’ guide, of course) . Paris for Dummies. Paris for Idiots. Paris for People with Pretty Much Just a Hypothalmus.

The local queer bookstore added to the confusing array. There were men’s handbooks which contained handy language tips, such as how to say “almost 10 inches” in French, Italian, German, Castilian Spanish and (inexplicably) Latin. There were women’s guidebooks which contained handy tips to help avoid accidentally eating meat products (including, I suppose, those that are “almost 10 inches”) . And then there were the the guides that were mysteriously missing. You tell me how “Europe Through the Back Door” can be anything other than queer queer queer?

So how did I choose? Like a good bookaholic I didn’t. I bought ‘em all on credit, hoping I can return them later.

And on my way out of the bookstore, I consoled myself “I can give up books anytime I want to. I just don’t want to.” And thanked the cashier for letting me share.

On the 1 train this afternoon

2007-06-10T04:13:04Z

A group of teenagers were whispering back and forth for some time.

Finally, the tallest female turned to one of the boys and said "Don't you get it? You smell like a vagina. A vagina."

No one laughed, and they were quiet for the rest of the ride home.

I just can't even imagine what circumstances could have possibly lead to this discussion.

gayetyblog @ 2007-06-05T01:07:00

2007-06-05T05:32:04Z

Bryant Park. I like that the pigeons are accused of "leaving" leftovers for rats, as if New York pigeons and New York rats have formed some kind of secretive food co-op sharing program that the Bryant Park Rangers, through unbridled cunning and advanced animal surveillance techniques (only recently made legal by the passage of the American Pest Patriotic Act) have just cracked wide open.

Why DO lesbian use dildos?

2007-06-02T20:46:56Z

You can see Kelli answer this question on Dear Immaculately Groomed Italian Guy

Gayety the show---coming soon!

2007-06-02T18:58:15Z

Guess what?

Did you guess yet?

We recently secured a performance space for the first New York Gayety show. We can't reveal the details just yet, but we'll be sharing all the info really soon. In the meantime, we can tell you, that as a performance series, we think you'll find we've got a little bit of a different spin than the other very lovely comically gay or gaily comic shows in the City. Of course, we're picking an unoccupied night of the week, but we're also---

1. Queer. Super queer in fact. Take a look at the picture. Kelli (a biological female) gets mistaken for a 12 year old boy every day, Bevin (also a biological female) gets mistaken for a drag queen, even at her corporate job when she is wearing blazers and comfortable shoes. We are not people that can answer personal ads ISO any type of "straight acting" anyone.

2. In a venue that doesn't serve alcohol. We're folks in recovery and youth friendly and wheelchair accessible.

3. Mixed performance. We'll have comics (and we are comics), but we are interested in including a great variety in our Drag. Juggling. Cat mime. In short bits, although with a longer feature.